Frequently Wrong, Rarely in Doubt

I finally went to Hawaii, and honestly? It’s exactly what you imagine, only with more Spam and fewer actual native animals. Let me walk you through the highlights of this tropical fever dream where the sunsets are free but the Spam is not.

Perfect Weather, Obviously

The weather in Hawaii isn’t just good — it’s offensively good. It’s the kind of weather that makes you question why you ever tolerated snow, humidity, or that one summer where the air felt like hot mayonnaise. Every day was breezy, sunny, and just the right amount of warm, as if God himself had signed up for the premium climate package.

I don’t know who let Hawaii have both perfect sunrises and perfect sunsets, but honestly it feels greedy. Pick a lane, paradise. We actually have pretty good sunsets in Phoenix, so I’m not easily impressed, but Hawaii still blew me away. Every evening the sky looked like it was auditioning for a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper. Every morning? Same thing, but softer, like the Earth had put on its “no-makeup makeup” look. I’m not exaggerating when I say I took roughly 800 pictures of the exact same horizon line and will force people to look at all of them until they stop inviting me to dinner.

The real Hawaii

Forget Pearl Harbor, forget the Road to Hana. The real Hawaiian attraction? ABC Stores. They are everywhere. You can’t throw a lei without hitting one. Need sunscreen? ABC. A ukulele? ABC. A six-pack of pineapple wine you’ll regret after two sips? ABC. By day three, I wasn’t even googling directions anymore — I was just assuming the nearest corner would have one, and I was always correct.

Spam is basically the unofficial mascot of Hawaii. Spam musubi, Spam fried rice, Spam in ways I didn’t even know Spam could be used. And listen, it’s good. Like, disturbingly good. The only problem is that my kidneys were sending me increasingly desperate texts like, “Bestie… please stop.” I ignored them. Totally worth it.

Volcano? Don’t Mind If I Do

I got to see an actual erupting volcano. And let me tell you, nothing makes you feel both small and deeply unprepared for natural disaster survival quite like watching molten lava shoot out of the Earth. It’s terrifying, it’s majestic, it’s basically nature saying: “You are ants, and I am God’s magnifying glass.” 10/10, would recommend.

Yes, there are sea turtles. Yes, I saw them. No, I did not play it cool. The fish were gorgeous, the birds were loud, and at least three different guides reminded me that almost none of these animals are technically native. Which, frankly, makes sense. If I were an animal, I too would relocate to Hawaii. I mean, if you had the choice between Ohio and Maui, you’d pick Maui.

Conclusion: Worth It, Obviously

Hawaii is gorgeous, perfect, and full of imported animals who made better life choices than me. I ate Spam like it was a food group, I bought something at an ABC store every single day, and I stared at literal lava. Would I go back? Absolutely. Just as soon as my credit card can take the beating again.